Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Drunk is not a location!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize