Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and she was petting her beer can
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
