you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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