I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
