Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
