Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
