I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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