The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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