Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
