my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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