Already got asked if we're dating
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
