I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
