Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
