6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
