and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
