Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
