Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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