it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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