3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
