remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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