using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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