Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
