I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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