my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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