Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
