i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
