I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Church boner. Awkwardddd
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
