I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Randomize
