i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
