Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
