You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
