y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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