i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
