I want to have your abortion
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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