be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
