Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
