Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
