At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
