??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
