I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
