Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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