I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
