Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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