She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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