so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
