"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
