I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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