He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
third nipple confirmed
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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