Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
