he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
