things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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