I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
