Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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