god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
