Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
