too bad you live with your parents still
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
