she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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