she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Boobs are out for the taking
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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