Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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