I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
