dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
