Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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